  amber flickr photos 345 wall, the bitchinville broochtastic noise comissioner coat furnace, the inbetween intermeddler matters of little... melancolin... oh, bitter dicta raefried beans red elephant sherrying worldwide starlets...  07/01/2003 - 07/31/2003 08/01/2003 - 08/31/2003 09/01/2003 - 09/30/2003 10/01/2003 - 10/31/2003 11/01/2003 - 11/30/2003 12/01/2003 - 12/31/2003 01/01/2004 - 01/31/2004 02/01/2004 - 02/29/2004 03/01/2004 - 03/31/2004 04/01/2004 - 04/30/2004 05/01/2004 - 05/31/2004 06/01/2004 - 06/30/2004 07/01/2004 - 07/31/2004 08/01/2004 - 08/31/2004 09/01/2004 - 09/30/2004 10/01/2004 - 10/31/2004 11/01/2004 - 11/30/2004 12/01/2004 - 12/31/2004 01/01/2005 - 01/31/2005 02/01/2005 - 02/28/2005 03/01/2005 - 03/31/2005 04/01/2005 - 04/30/2005 05/01/2005 - 05/31/2005 06/01/2005 - 06/30/2005 07/01/2005 - 07/31/2005 08/01/2005 - 08/31/2005 09/01/2005 - 09/30/2005 10/01/2005 - 10/31/2005 11/01/2005 - 11/30/2005 12/01/2005 - 12/31/2005 01/01/2006 - 01/31/2006 02/01/2006 - 02/28/2006 03/01/2006 - 03/31/2006 04/01/2006 - 04/30/2006 05/01/2006 - 05/31/2006 06/01/2006 - 06/30/2006 07/01/2006 - 07/31/2006 08/01/2006 - 08/31/2006 09/01/2006 - 09/30/2006 |
Saturday, July 31, 2004 rambling making sense yesterday was pretty intense. More about that later. Today I'm working on my final paper about media globalization/cultural imperialism (Western culture media dominance) and I am so sick of the bleeding heart arguments of these liberal analysts and writers I'm reading for research. Dominance is not necessarily a bad thing! It is how the world came to be the way it is today in ways both good and bad. First world dominance over resources and media is partially why the people who wrote these pieces are able to sit on their asses and analyze mass media rather than have to go out and kill their supper. I generally like to think that my beliefs are pretty liberal but I must admit that in some ways perhaps they are not. And I know that in this paper I have to take the position that the prof agrees with because that's the way he is. I will not be able to get a decent grade on this otherwise and it's not worth fighting. But I'm annoyed. We need to take into account what preceeds all of this, like issues of identity, philosophy and, the role of ethics but of course most never do. So, as a form of retaliation for having to express beliefs with which I do not totally agree (in the paper), the following just came pouring out of my fingertips at light speed so I'll document it here, unedited stream of consciousness: philosophically, organically, etc. the self seeks to further the self. Protects self. Seeks to procreate to duplicate self. Does not want to die. Even suicide mission or going to war to serve the interests of oneself or country is a mission to further the background, home, or beliefs of the self because self is then fighting for these things clearly and directly. Arguments about globalization, cultural dominance, etc. do not take this into account and instead demonize large corporations who are merely seeking to preserve themselves (and grow... because selves seek to grow also... good way to become stronger... strength wins) in the best way possible. Such growth may exceed necessity and be construed as greedy but how is necessity defined anyway? (just enough to survive or enough to continue growing and flourishing...) And is greed natural? Not necessarily in a platonic world, but in a competitive society, greed seems to occur quite often. By-product of capitalism isn't it? Capitalism includes competition and competition creates perfect breeding conditions for greed. Not having enough sustainenace threatens continuation of the self and greed/hoarding/saving/having more than necessary/minimum is insurance against perishing. An issue of safety, really. The big guy generally triumphs over the little guy. It never seems to have been otherwise. Big does not only or necessarily mean size, but also in mind, body and heart. A bully mostly wins because they have the guts to pursue even when conditions may not be ideal. This may not be ethical in the sense that others get hurt/lose, but are such ethics really applicable when dealing with the inherent survival of the fittest reality? Ethics are an advent of the mind by way of the soul. Survival is not about the soul and the purely mental, but instead about the body and about the mind insofar as the mind contains/precipitates the characteristics of the self with which we identify. This is not to discount ethics, but instead to recognize that there is a time and a place for everything and that survival comes before ethics. Friday, July 30, 2004 political porn I picked up a copy of the 9/11 Commission Report (the one released a week or two ago) in book form at the library today. They already have multiple copies at my small local branch! I may not be inspired enough to read all 567 pages, but even though I know the punchline is that the attacks were not preventable, in any case, I'm so curious about the rest. the sound of one hand clapping What's the best way to write 2 papers at once? Alternate? One and then the next? Brain scramble!!! The cachaca Colin brings back from Brazil always leaves me with a headache. Just that particular brand, I think, but I knew that going into it, so I only have myself to blame. Andres Segovia is good background when reading and easy on the headache. I give him a 9.5 Wednesday, July 28, 2004 priorities With looming issues like the continuous death toll in Iraq, threats of terrorism, the oil crisis, and whether Britney Spears will make her dude sign a prenup, it's a comfort to see that our president is focusing on the real issues like the sex industry in Cuba and the humor value of his speeches. horse vegetable I never knew that artichokes grew or were sold like this.  I want to go to the racetrack and bet on the horsies. I've never done that before. And I want to know if it's true that a lot of people at the track are missing teeth and drunk by noon. Tuesday, July 27, 2004 the hula hoop diaries, part 8 and the moral of the story today, kids, is that most boys want to hula hoop: (a) if there's a cute girl doing it (b) if they're drunk (c) both  random boy looking to Rae to skool him on her skillz  random boy who woke me up from my bench nap to make me show him how to hula hula Post war reconstruction, American style. "Over six weeks, houses blasted by US bombs regenerate in a home-improvement show for a war-torn country." style v. merit; cunning pragma I consider merit to be more significant than style. For me and for others, I suppose. Style is mostly important to me in the visual and psychological senses. I can certainly be charming, but I'm not on auto-pilot. I'd feel like a fake if I was. So much energy gets wasted on the "style" part, which is really a game. Sometimes a worthwhile game, but a game nonetheless. I do my own PR on my terms or not at all which sometimes means that I get underestimated. Luckily there is an aspect to this behavioral model whereby I am consistently and acutely aware of any possible avenues of recourse, and therefore protected. Some people who know me well seem to have separately concluded that I'm more calculating (and, even possibly insidious) than they would have imagined. I think I'm just too nice and sometimes put up with more crap than I should until one day I just can't anymore and for these times, and any cunningness is merely a protective measure. Defense mechanism? Hmm... broke phone; inaccessibility my phone is broken and I am sans a new one til manana. Friday, July 23, 2004 night before... morning after A Trip Inside: come, take the trip (but we can't ensure a ride home).  the entertainment  despite her sunny Texan disposition, like her sibs, Jonica really hates you... and you... and you  ...and Josh doesn't like you too much either.  pictured above is the crusty beeotch who walked off (and into a cab) with one of the better hula hoops (ignoring Steve yelling after her).  happily, these two old friends were in attendance, making a grand entrance  partying is hard work. On the way home, in exhaustion zone. And today finds me recovering by way of sitting on the couch and eating mac and cheese. My camera didn't come out til late in the night. More photos to come (when they get sent to me). Wednesday, July 21, 2004 sell out to the master I'm working on a "god" mix. Inspiration as though the Lord the Lord has entered my soul. No, but really... This is the only DJ-type project I've had much interest in (besides playing live) and I've wanted to do it for awhile. And finally I have enough good gospel records for the project... (& other godly stuff like preacher spoken word and christian rock (good stuff, not like Creed). Going through my gospel/spiritual records, 2 song titles caught my eye: "He's Using Me" and "Sell Out to the Master" Nice. off with their heads! Each morning, as I'm waking up to NPR, I notice consistent mentions of beheading. a compendium of beheading info so we can get this subject out of our system; Romans, Arabs and Americans alike. Tuesday, July 20, 2004 arts and crafts     Trina's neighbor has an Emmy award in their window which is pretty damn tacky. So, in retaliation, we created a huge cock-and-balls to put in her window. Hopefully she spraypainted it silver by now. Yeah, it sounds juvenile, but I assure you that Trina and I are actually pinnacles of sophistication and intelligent thought. the nation of procrastination (some notes) The first draft of one of my final papers is due tonight but I've hardly started. This sets a new lifetime precedent in terms of any slackerdom on my part. I think perhaps I just don't give a rats ass. Every time I start trying to buckle down to work on this paper, something compelling (like cleaning the bathroom) arises. The paper is about the "working poor". The following poverty guidelines (those of our great nation) make me ill:  (HHS=Health and Human Services) It's great to know that people can live on less than $4000 per year. God bless America. Monday, July 19, 2004 just like, nevermind really, there are too many things to think about in this world and who knows if any of them matter anyway. Or exist. so many angles and sides to look at everything from. I give up. Less words, more pictures. I think I've figured out that I'm part nihilist. A haiku Ashcroft is shady. Retroactive censorship. What the fuck, dude? Huh? http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/070704A.shtml Saturday, July 17, 2004 nix ...not DJing tonight after all. Thursday, July 15, 2004 words are mastabatory       "it's not the side effects of the cocaine; I'm thinking that it must be love" I need new music to listen to. You'd think that with the large collection I have I wouldn't get bored, but I am. As captured in the subject of this posting, I've been listening to much Bowie. And other old standards. I'm sure I could find plenty of less familiar stuff around here but for some reason I don't. My buying impulse has been quite stimulated lately. Too bad I'm not doing fabulously where money is concerned these days. Yesterday I brought the dress I'm going to wear for the next 'A Trip Inside' to the tailor and when she asked me when I needed it, I told her 2 weeks because I had not at all realized how soon it is or how long it's been. She said "okay, the 29th" and I was like "No! The 22nd!" How time can be lost track of. I am spacebrain. Two questions for anyone who might have answers: 1) I never tip the tailor. Is this allright? It never occurred to me to do so before but she's so goddamn nice to me and she always does a great job. I should get one of those tipping handbooks. Usually I just do what feels right to me. I give the Mailman (woman) a Christmas bonus because I appreciate having my packages handed to me and receiving the correct mail (even though it's illegal to give them money) but I rarely tip the Super of my building because he's mostly a fake, useless drunk. I wonder how many people stand on ceremony about such things. 2) Where can I get a bubble-blowing machine? I think it'd be really cool to have this for the next Trip Inside. blogging about blogging This blog is turning into more of a journal than a series of tidbits, as it once was. One day it could serve as anthropological data. The concept of the future beyond the self is so interesting. I don't dare write about the nitty gritty, though. Blogging (or writing, stream of consciousness-like) so much and spending a lot of time alone and drawing pictures and stuff reminds me of myself a decade or so ago. Eras come in flavors. Tuesday, July 13, 2004 bush makes a statement Protest panties. We all need these. Dudes can get 'em for a girl. I'm so getting the "drill bush, not oil" ones. twisted and clenched I've been clenching my teeth in my sleep again. I can tell because they hurt when I wake up. Ever since the hot and humid weather has hit I want to get my hair braided all in little braids like I had it a few years back but I don't want to have to take them out if I have an appointment with a new or uptight client. Last time I got 'em done it took hours and hours and hours which is not worth it if they can't last a few weeks. So, for now, I'll do it myself, but not as good of a job, as I did on July 4 (pictured below). The pigtails are because it's not long enough to pull back otherwise. Oh, the sacrifices we make (sarcasm). Humidity sucks away life juice.  impatien...t Want flowers? The impatiens I have growing on my windowsills are thriving at a rate that I'm having trouble handling. For the second time in a few weeks I'll have to expand them into more pots. I started with 4 and now there are 7. Soon there will be more like 10 or 12. I don't need that many. Any of y'all want some? Seriously. Monday, July 12, 2004 the afterbath it's amazing the stuff I amuse myself with...   Saturday, July 10, 2004 !!! I got 15 great records at a yard sale this morning for an amazingly negligible amount of cash. They are all original pressings and in great condition, as if they have never been played. Some of them: The Pixies: Surfer Rosa The Fall: Peverted by Language The Fall: A Part of America Therein, 1981 Tone Loc: Loc-ed After Dark Camper Van Beethoven: Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart Tom Waits: Swordfishtrombones Sonic Youth: Daydream Nation De La Soul: 3 Feet High and Rising Public Image Limited (12"): This is Not a Love Song Bauhaus: Press the Eject and Give Me the Tape and more. It is as if there is some force looking out for me these days: throwing random, happy-making things my way which counterbalance all the other things that make me feel like my soul is breaking. Friday, July 09, 2004 growing and spinning   Wednesday, July 07, 2004 "you'll dance to anything... "by public image limited..." or cabaret voltaire... new personal links page. Yay! The old one I designed in 5 minutes. This one took about 20. There are limits on what I will write about in this blog due to the nature of some of the people who read it (known and unknown). Sucks for me. I hope no one thinks that they can find out what's fully going on with me from reading this blog alone. My mom says that when I was a baby I started running instead of walking. I don't think I've ever stopped. organic adrenaline often my thoughts move too quickly/convolutedly/intensely/complexly for me to blog (or write in any capacity) the way I want to. All I am left with is shadows and fragments of thoughts that once were, as they readily become morphed, evolved, or forgotten by an additional surge of thoughts. Last night I was reminded of how to breathe in a way which benefits my energy and air intake more. godly. People seem to think that I am fundamentally and ultimately strong. Maybe it's partially true but not thoroughly, though I certainly can act that way, but only out of necessity or fear of my emotions or surroundings becoming too intense and overwhelming me. Much of the time I can't even admit when things have become too much because I will never collapse or give up or fall down the way many others will allow themselves. There usually seem to be 3 settings: fight, flight, and off. I only have 2 settings: fight and flight. "Off" seems a tragic waste and a weak cop-out where momentum is lost and sleep/denial occurs more frequently than it seems like it should. For the record, "off" is not intermittent, appropriate periods of down-time (that's not "off" per se, it's merely a choiceful repreive), but being so unable to deal with stimuli that one cannot carry on. I've seen many people go through this. Being direct is helpful in this sense. Cut the filters. There is a balance: unabashedly expressing oneself must be tempered with a sense of appropriateness, but expression is key and there is no right or wrong way to do it. Whatever works. It's not about the 2 extremes: being so staunchly direct as to offend others vs. compromising energy that undeniably resides in the self but must get out. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only converted. Without an outlet, internal energy roams around inside, like a ghost, not knowing where to go, and has to try to get out in whatever way it can (unexpressed energy yields everything from severe angst to fatness to drug and alcohol abuseto all sorts of compulsions to disease.. and it will all eventually end in some sort of disease, mental, emotional, physical or any combination thereof). I feel like the things that legitimately ail me are not taken so seriously by others because I do not appear to take them so seriously myself. I'm frightened of being construed as weak. I seek outlets. Monday, July 05, 2004 Independence is eating meat so many hula hooping pics, this blog could almost be called "the hula hoop diaries"... 4th of July BBQ...      Sunday, July 04, 2004 hwuh  Friday, July 02, 2004 ...      
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